It’s the end of the year.
2013 is over and done. Onward to 2014!
The end of the year means taking the time to assess the important things: Life. Relationships. My credit rating. Blog views.
You know, the important stuff.
Unfortunately, being the cynic that I am, thinking about life inevitably leads to thoughts like this:
Thanks a lot, Chuck Palahniuk.
And of course as the end of one year approaches, we mark the occasion by making resolutions.
Or as I call them, my annual list of unreasonable goals and broken promises.
The funny thing about New Year’s resolutions is, even though I absolutely know that I’m never going to stick to my resolution, I can’t not make them. Not making a resolution leaves me feeling like I’ve gone somewhere and left something behind. Like driving to the beach only to realize that I’ve left my towel at home.
You can’t go from one year to the next without making a resolution. That just ain’t American.
Ok. I know that 9 out of 10 resolutions anyone makes at any time of the year are made to be broken. And to reduce my chances of failure, I’m not going to vow to lose weight or to become a better person (whatever that is), And as a philosopher, I know that consistently making and breaking promises to myself violates Kant’s Categorical Imperative. So, I figure, in order to actually achieve my goals and to maintain any kind of philosophical integrity, that this and all my future New Year’s resolutions shall be more realistic – that is, accomplishable.
I’m gonna limit my list to stuff I can actually do.
So , without further ado, I, The Mindless Philosopher, hereby resolve to:
- Stop shooting smack (I thought I’d put one at the top of my list that don’t really do, so this one should be easy).
- Get outside more (and by “outside” I don’t mean periodically poking my head out the front door to check if the mailman has dropped off the stuff I ordered from Amazon).
- Pick a political philosophy and stick to it.
- Write more on epistemology and metaphysics (writing on ethics is too easy).
- Finish writing my second book.
- Start writing my second book.
- Stop calling myself a sapiosexual (no one knows what that is. and it sounds pretentious, anyway).
- Read something other than true crime books.
- And on that note, stop watching Mob Wives.
- Get a Twitter account (No, wait, scratch that one. I’m not going to tweet anything).
- Learn how to walk in heels.
- Lighten up my attitude towards Aristotle (the homunculus is no reason to discredit a philosopher’s entire philosophy).
- Get over my obsession with Morrissey.
- Devote my Sundays to something other than watching The Walking Dead.
- Contribute to the Pacifica Network (On second thought, I might actually break this one).
- Stop wearing pajama pants in public.
- Stop quoting Nietzsche out of context.
- Actually read Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason.
- Admit that I don’t always have to be right.
- Acknowledge that Severus Snape is not a real person and that I cannot marry him.
And finally, stop being so cynical.
That last one might not happen this year. I am a philosopher, after all.
You know, I don’t know if I will break any (or all) of my resolutions by year’s end. If I’ve learned anything from David Hume, it’s that what happened yesterday can’t tell us what will happen tomorrow, next week, or even five minutes from now. There are literally millions of reasons to break a New Year’s resolution.
No, really. If there are parallel universes the reasons are infinite.
I can imagine pajama pants sweeping the runways during New York Fashion Week. I could find a whole new reason to hate Aristotle. Or VH-1 could give Big Ang another spin-off reality TV show…
Or I just might open my door one warm day in April to find Severus Snape delivering my Amazon order for Farscape the complete series.
Ok. Probably none of that will happen.
But there is one resolution I know I will fulfill this year – and that’s to wish everyone a Happy New Year.
Here’s to 2014 and a new year of happy thinking!