I Don’t Care What You Do, Just Wash Your Hands When You’re Done

THE INTERNET REALLY likes Diogenes.

I mean, it really likes Diogenes.

If you’re a fan of philosophy memes, you know the internet of online philosophy is all about Diogenes.

and Hegel.

Unfortunately Hegel,

Diogenes is one of the holy triumvirate of memed philosophers, which also includes (the aforementioned) Georg Hegel, and inexplicably, Max Stirner. I guess, if I think about it, it kinda makes sense. Diogenes is an ancient philosopher made for these modern times.

IF YOU.VE BEEN ON THE INTERNET, YOU’SEEN THIS DUDE, MAX STIRNER. HE’S EVERYWHERE… JUST LIKE THAT STUSSY THING

The funny thing about Diogenes is, although Diogenes has internet popularity, I can’t find anyone who actually is familiar with his philosophy.

Kind of like Ayn Rand.

I absolutely believe that nobody has ever read Ayn Rand.

BY THE WAY, THAT STUSSY THING IS THIS. JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING…

Seriously tho, does anyone know Diogenes was a cynic? Doubtful. Can anyone actually quote Diogenes? Probably not. But I’d bet soup to nuts I know why Diogenes is so popular.

Diogenes masturbated… in public.

DIOGENES BASICALLY WAS THIS GUY

I think he also peed on things. And pooped when people were looking, too.

Worse than that, Diogenes was a shabby dresser.

AN ANCIENT GREEK CITIZEN REACTING TO DIOGENES’ SHABBY ENSEMBLE (COLORIZED)

So, ok. Sure, the internet loves Diogenes and his public masturbatory habits, but besides that, what does anybody really know about Diogenes?

I mean, does anyone know Diogenes’ last name was Johnson?

I’m kidding about that. It was Gillooly, It really was.

LISTEN: I know that dressed like shit, and jerked off in public, and said, “In a rich man’s house, there’s nowhere to spit but his face”, but i’ll admit in all the years that I’ve read and written about philosophy, I’ve never actually read any of Diogenes’ philosophy.

What did he write? Did he write anything? I dunno.

Well, since I’m confessing, I haven’t read any Stirner either.

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

But, as a lover of wisdom, I seek knowledge. And because I’m only an occasional douchebag, I’ll share what wikipedia told me about Diogenes of Sinope:

HERE’S DIOGENES IN HIS BARREL. YOU CAN’T SEE HIS OTHER HAND BECAUSE HE’S PROBABLY MASTURBATING WITH IT

Alright. After Wikipediaing {don’t care if that’s a word or not} Diogenes, this is what I now know:

*Diogenes was born in modern-day Turkey

*He was a founder of Cynicism

*Diogenes’ slovenly lifestyle was a form of criticism of a corrupt society

*His behavior was described as “dog-like”

STATUE OF DIOGENES (AND DOG) IN SINOP, TURKEY

*He was sold into slavery

*Diogenes may or may not have died from holding his breath or an infected dog bite

I wish that last one was made up.

It’s not tho.

Of course, this is nowhere near a comprehensive study into Diogenes and his philosophy, and I could throw in a Diogenes quote or two — but Im not going to. I don’t think It would help my mission much. After a slightly more than cursory glance at Diogenes of Sinope, I still can’t say exactly why he’s so popular, other than the fact that, with his criticism of society, unconventional public behavior, and full podcaster beard, Diogenes definitely has Gen Z appeal.

TYPICAL PODCASTER WITH DIOGENES-ESQUE BEARD AND GEN Z APPEAL

So, is that it? People like Diogenes because he’s like us (like us, if you’re a dog-loving, public-peeing, spittin’-in-Jeff-Bezos’-face cynic Greek philosopher}. We can relate to a guy who, even though he’s kinda gross, we can imagine is the that dude that we all know — the guy who took a shit behind the 7-11 and wore a TRE45ON t-shirt for four years straight — because he simply does not give a fuck.

But it’s probably because of the masturbation thing.